These Jokes are here because we believe that everybody needs a good laugh.
These Jokes are not always "Politically Correct". Hyper-sensitive people or those who are easily
offended should go elsewhere! We
avoid flat-out bigotry but we'll poke a Jokr or two at any stereotype.
If you can laugh at yourself as well at others then you should enjoy them.
Remember, they're here for your fun. If they offend you then don't bitch at
us! We warned you!
In a trial, in a small Texas town, a prosecuting attorney called his first
witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the
whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God. The
witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type,
well-spoken and poised.
The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why,
yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and
frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife,
manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're
a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite
well."
The lawyer was stunned and slowly backed away, fearing
the looks on the judge's and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter
who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't
build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of
the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen
slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps
thundered throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of
chaos.
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to
silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said,
"If either of you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be
jailed for contempt."
Received via email - author - unknown.
In
Training
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one
hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "I
want coffee." "The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right
up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down
in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it
with the shotgun, and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun
in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and
says to the waiter, "I want coffee."
The waiter says, "Woe, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the
last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway"?
"I'm in training for upper management position.
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for rest of the day."
Received via email - author - unknown.
Ten
Top Indicators that your Employer has changed to a cheaper HMO
10. Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter
the trailer park."
8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from RotoRooter.
6. The only item listed under Preventative Care coverage is "An apple a
day."
5. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last
month.
4. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network- charges" is
not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little
M's on them.
And the number 1 sign you've joined a cheap HMO:
1. You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
Received via email - author - unknown.
One
Liners
Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but
you can't beat a blowjob.
Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.
Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn
around.
Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they
get.
Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your
penis?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your
paycheck!
Q.) What are the three words that will ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"
Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury
Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed trick with a yeast
infection.
Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a
Goodyear.
Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber
breaks, you're screwed.