Jokes and Other Fun Stuff

In a Texas Courtroom....

In a trial, in a small Texas town, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God. The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type, well-spoken and poised.
     The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."
     The lawyer was stunned and slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge's and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
     The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos.
     At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."

Received via email - author - unknown.

In Training

     An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "I want coffee." "The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, and then just walks out.
     The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "I want coffee."
The waiter says, "Woe, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway"?
     "I'm in training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for rest of the day."

Received via email - author - unknown.

Ten Top Indicators that your Employer has changed to a cheaper HMO

10. Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from RotoRooter.
6. The only item listed under Preventative Care coverage is "An apple a day."
5. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network- charges" is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little M's on them.

And the number 1 sign you've joined a cheap HMO:
1. You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

Received via email - author - unknown.

One Liners

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.

Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your penis?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) What are the three words that will ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed trick with a yeast infection.

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Received via email - author - unknown.

Widdle Wabbits

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."

Received via email - author - unknown.

The Preacher and the Elderly Lady

One day a preacher goes to visit an elderly lady. As he is sitting there talking with her, he notices a bowl of peanuts sitting on the table in front of him.

"Do you mind if I have a few peanuts?" he asks the lady.

"Oh no, not at all. Help yourself," she replies.

After about an hour and a half visit, he gets up to leave and notices that he has eaten almost all of the peanuts in the bowl.

"I apologize," he says to the elderly lady. "I only meant to eat a few."

"That's okay," says the lady, "Since I've lost my teeth, all I've been able to do is suck the chocolate off of them!

Received via email - author - unknown.

Rain?

A flight attendant was on the red-eye to Manila when a water leak developed in the galley, which eventually soaked the carpet throughout the cabin of the 747.

A very sleepy passenger who had become aware of the dampness asked the attendant, "Has it been raining?"

Keeping a straight face, the attendant replied, "Yes, but we put the top up."

With a sigh of relief, the passenger went back to sleep.

Received via email - author - unknown.

The New Clerk

The owner of the general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt, or general lack thereof, and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea, I'd like some raisin bread please, the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread which is located on the very top shelf. The young man is provided with a excellent view. Once she descends the ladder he decides he needs another loaf of raisin bread. Several other male customers notice what is going on and she is kept busy climbing up and down the ladder.

After many trips up and down the ladder she is very tired and while she is on the ladder she glances down at the crowd ,she notices an elderly man in the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip she yells at the elderly man.

"Is yours raisin too?"

" No," croaks the old man, "but its a quivering"

Received via email - author - unknown.

Can You Answer These?

How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.

How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids!

What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

What Is The Difference Between a Honda And a Hoover?
There Is No Difference. They Look The Same, Sound The Same, And They Both Suck.

Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Received via email - author - unknown.

Women Drivers!

Driving to the office this morning on the I - 84 Westbound, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.As a man, I don't scare easily, but she scared me. I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the phone and disconnected an important call. I wish they'd keep women off the road!

Received via email - author - unknown.

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