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In a Texas Courtroom.... In a trial, in a small Texas town, a prosecuting attorney called his first
witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the
whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God. The
witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type,
well-spoken and poised. Received via email - author - unknown.
In Training An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one
hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "I
want coffee." "The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right
up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down
in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it
with the shotgun, and then just walks out. Received via email - author - unknown.
Ten Top Indicators that your Employer has changed to a cheaper HMO 10. Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters. And the number 1 sign you've joined a cheap HMO: Received via email - author - unknown.
One Liners Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob? Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end? Q.) What's the speed limit of sex? Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your
penis? Q.) What are the three words that will ruin a man's ego... Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury
Dough Boy? Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers? Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common? Received via email - author - unknown.
Widdle Wabbits A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit." Received via email - author - unknown.
The Preacher and the Elderly Lady One day a preacher goes to visit an elderly lady. As he is sitting there talking with her, he notices a bowl of peanuts sitting on the table in front of him. "Do you mind if I have a few peanuts?" he asks the lady. "Oh no, not at all. Help yourself," she replies. After about an hour and a half visit, he gets up to leave and notices that he has eaten almost all of the peanuts in the bowl. "I apologize," he says to the elderly lady. "I only meant to eat a few." "That's okay," says the lady, "Since I've lost my teeth, all I've been able to do is suck the chocolate off of them! Received via email - author - unknown.
Rain? A flight attendant was on the red-eye to Manila when a water leak developed in the galley, which eventually soaked the carpet throughout the cabin of the 747. A very sleepy passenger who had become aware of the dampness asked the attendant, "Has it been raining?" Keeping a straight face, the attendant replied, "Yes, but we put the top up." With a sigh of relief, the passenger went back to sleep. Received via email - author - unknown.
The New Clerk The owner of the general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt, or general lack thereof, and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea, I'd like some raisin bread please, the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread which is located on the very top shelf. The young man is provided with a excellent view. Once she descends the ladder he decides he needs another loaf of raisin bread. Several other male customers notice what is going on and she is kept busy climbing up and down the ladder. After many trips up and down the ladder she is very tired and while she is on the ladder she glances down at the crowd ,she notices an elderly man in the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip she yells at the elderly man. "Is yours raisin too?" " No," croaks the old man, "but its a quivering" Received via email - author - unknown.
Can You Answer These? How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? How Do You Get Holy Water? What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? What Is The Difference Between a Honda And a Hoover? Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Received via email - author - unknown.
Women Drivers! Driving to the office this morning on the I - 84 Westbound, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.As a man, I don't scare easily, but she scared me. I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the phone and disconnected an important call. I wish they'd keep women off the road! Received via email - author - unknown.
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